Wednesday the Weird
by nederick
Summary: Snape and Himself - being a teenage oddball. It is funny and short. Please Read, but you don't have to, if you have better things to do, like arranging your sock drawer, or reading GinnyDraco romances...
1. Monday the Crap

Monday the Crap  
  
Well, this was a fantastic day of my life. Firstly, divination...staring at pieces of dirt and making little stories. Today, I had a blob of dirt. It was very different from last week's blob of dirt. It is full of magical property. My blob of dirt inspired to make up the story of my probable suicide at the age of twenty-four, where I will drink myself into despair, write a few prize-winning novels, but die before I win anything – by overdose I think. I told Professor Thingy this, but she just drifted off somewhere else. I didn't think she really cared. Mind you, I wouldn't care if some sad ugly boy in a corner decides to tell me all about his future.  
  
Then lunch, where Potter and his fan-club thought it proper to throw strange un-identifiable objects at me (all of which missed) while I tried to pick up my bag (which they had hexed to the other side of the room). A letter from my Uncle informing me that he had gone to St Petersburg on a business trip: as if it would make any difference to me whether he went or not, probably popped over to kill a few people in suits, for the mafia's sake.  
  
Then I commenced with Double History, where Evelyn Taylor answered all the questions I know the answer to before looking at me in a smug 'I just answered a question' way. She kept on staring at me. Probably wondering how I could drag such an amazingly oversized nose around all day without falling over. I wish she would go away.  
  
Ah! Preparations for the Hallowe'en Ball. Sirius has had fifteen offerings I think, by pathetic blonde herons who have nothing in their heads but everything in their bra. Potter achieved three, none of which he has accepted for Lily Evans Reasons. Malfoy obviously as his little band of Slytherin purebloods attached to his arm. Rosier has his annoying high- pitched rodent of a girl, Wilkes has his. Crabbe and Goyle, or as I prefer, Twiddle-dum and Twiddle-dee, have their brainless rotund illiterate girlfriends. Although, I'm not sure they know what the title 'girlfriend' entails. In fact, I think Twiddle-dee was shocked at the fact that people do in fact kiss in real life, not in the picture books he reads.  
  
I will stay in my room, and as everyone will be out, I can have free reign of the chess-board. Thrilling prospects. Life doesn't get any better than this. Although, now thinking about it, for me as I never will kiss, this phenomenon will remain in their fairy-tale state. So, I will never know whether it actually exists or not. Perhaps it is a weird sexual matrix that is pulled in front of my eyes. Perhaps everything exists only through the mind and not in physical reality and... Wait...this is not all...at supper, Evelyn Taylor sat next to me and began to talk to me. God forbid! I didn't answer her, only in grunts, and then I left as quickly as humanly possible. This is why I am still very hungry.  
And my potion efforts were for nothing, as Peeves has decided it wise by poltergeist standards, to tip my cauldron over, on which I have been working on for over a month. 


	2. Tuesday the Bored

Tuesday the Bored  
  
A slightly better day today, within my standards of course. My potion is fine after I repaired it and is simmering well. Potter and his band of simpering mongooses have gone to Hogsmeade and Lucius Malfoy is ill so I am left in peace However, something decidedly odd and un-me happened today. Evelyn Taylor was very quiet all through lessons, so I answered all the questions (right, naturally). And then she didn't smile smugly at all. And then, as I was innocently reading a book she came up to me and said:  
'I've read that. It's good isn't it?' There are two things puzzling about this. 1, that she came up to talk to me at all as we are hateful rivals etc and 2, that she was being civil. But this isn't the strangest! There's more! I was (understandably) flummoxed, so instead I said: 'No! You've actually read this nightmare of a book and liked it, Taylor?' Which, compared to other comments, was quite mild. But she looked distraught, muttered something and shuffled away!  
  
I am now utterly flummoxed. She hates me. She must. It is what has been decided upon! From the first day when both our hands went up...we were rivals! I don't understand! What? How? Where? At what point did this rivalry dissolve? And a crush could not be a possibility because...well...she's be very strange if she chose me to lay down her affections! I mean...I mean...ME...of all people. It is very odd. And I am very confused.  
  
Hallowe'en is edging closer. Every day there is a new pairing of little idiots who are too embarrassed to talk to each other...well...that was one of the most hypocritical things I have ever wrote down. What was that? Am I now LINKING Evelyn Taylor (EVELYN TAYLOR of all people) to the Hallowe'en ball. I think I must think. 


	3. Wednesday the Weird

Wednesday the Weird  
  
It is true. I wake up today the day of Wednes and I have decided that I have linked Evelyn Taylor to the Hallowe'en ball for a reason. I have also decided to talk to her today. Which is a great and amazing achievement. To be fair, we are similar. In a horrible way. We are. Otherwise we couldn't be proper rivals.  
  
Potion is finished. Madame Pomfrey is happy with it and she gave me some chocolate. Normally, this would be the highlight of my day. But not this time! Read following conversation: 'Actually, the book was very good.' 'Which book?' 'Kappas and their predator...' 'Oh, that one. The author, he's very famous in Bulgaria.' 'Is he? Is he really? I've been to Bulgaria.' 'Have you?' 'Yes. Bulgarian is very hard to understand and there were many rivers, if I recall.' 'How gripping...' 'Indeed.' And so forth. It lasted at least ten minutes. And then I made a sarcastic comment...and then she did the little gaping distraught look and shuffled away. I will have to talk to her again tomorrow.  
  
James Potter hexed my robe so that it got twisted around my feet and I fell down the stairs. I am now in the Infirmary getting my broken ankle fixed. I am currently trying to hide this from the annoying boy next to me. My ankle hurt a lot. Especially when I began walking on it.  
  
I was given chocolate to sedate me. I was making sarcastic comments about anything I could see such as 'those curtains are so beautiful they almost make you cry, don't they?' and 'this drink tastes delicious and I really don't feel like throwing up at all' and 'God, Madame Pomfrey, that uniform is nice, where did you buy it so that I can buy it and reduplicate it for every being on earth'...  
I was annoying myself. I was glad she stuffed my mouth full with a frog. Evelyn visited me. That was a strange occurrence. We had a conversation about injuries, Frida Kahlo and then communism. It was very interesting but then I said something stupid and she made the little distraught face again and shuffled away. Even though I said sorry. 


	4. Thursday the Odd

Thursday the Odd  
  
Today was a particularly Odd day. My Thursday headache would not leave me alone and there was mackerel (ugh) for lunch, which I refused to eat. Potter won the quidditch match and Gryffindor had a party which lasted into the small hours of the morning which I could hear from my little potions room

Great Aunt Violet has asked me to come to the annual family Halloween gathering at Vladivostok. Unfortunately, I will be ill on that date and unable to attend. It is more than I can bear to see any of my relatives.

They are far too much like me. My cat has managed to maul Hagrid's dog: Fang. It was inevitable. She does not like dogs...or cats (I still don't know how Mrs. Norris escaped) or students...or teachers...or oversized trees.

As I was innocently walking to my dorm, with no intention of being friendly, utterly innocently, when Evelyn appeared and waved. She was standing right in front of me, and then she did a little wave-y thing as if I hadn't realised she was in the way of the door. I 'waved' back. Then she coughed and said 'so...' expectantly. I also said 'so...' expecting her to get out of my way, because I didn't feel very friendly. (As I have mentioned before, there was mackerel, I mean MACKEREL, for lunch).

She smiled at me and then said 'so...going to the ball I presume?' I said 'no, because it is for very silly people' or something like that. She looked slightly put-off, but she did NOT shuffle away – (an improvement) – instead she squeaked out an 'oh' as if she didn't really care, but she so obviously did.

(Hah! Take that Blondie Malfoy! I also have a fan-club, granted, there is only one member at the moment, but it is only a matter of time before they realise how incredibly attractive a nose like mine REALLY is).

Then it suddenly occurred to me that this was, probably, the only time a girl had ever or would ever approach me for anything apart from a spare quill. I blurted out, in a moment of desperation: '...but I'll show you my first edition Potion Studies....if you want...'

This is how I ended up showing Evelyn Taylor my first edition Potion Studies, she seemed impressed, making little rhythmical humming noises, and the higher her humming got, the more impressed she was. At one point, it went into ultra-sonic.

(Hah! I'm proving to the world that it's just not looks it's...also...first...uh...edition Potion Studies which...ahem...get that girl!)

However, it all went down hill when the hilarious comedian of Black turned my hair pink, showing how hilariously hilarious he is, really funny....haha.......ha. I'm going to do...something...extra evil to him! You'll see! Definitely...something extremely evil...after I get the pink out of my hair.

I'm going to bed.


	5. Friday the Mole

Friday the Mole  
  
Today, a large sharp solid bludger hit the back of my head. It hurt a lot. Also, I got a measly A for my transfiguration work, and I burnt a hole in my cloak. It is a very depressing thing to realise that no-one likes you (apart from a strange girl) and that everyone would prefer it if you went away and threw yourself, cell by cell, into the Suez Canal (apart from the strange girl) and I should stop thinking about the depressing thought. Because it is depressing.

Anyway, at least I'm not dead.

Evelyn Taylor answered a charms question wrong today. It was extremely amusing to witness her humiliation, as I, Severus Snape, Master of All, got it right. Hah.

She asked me if I was going to Hogsmeade this time. She doesn't give up about the constant going somewhere and doing stuff, does she? I have only been to Hogsmeade once, and I went straight back when I realised that Black and Potter had just bought five pounds of dungbombs.

'No.' I said. 'Why?' she said. 'Because Hogsmeade is dull.' I said, and she said 'what are you doing instead then?' I paused, thought about the game of backgammon I was going to play with Bloody Baron and then the three hours of extra homework activities, and then, maybe if I was feeling adventurous enough, stealing pencils from the Gryffindors. I said: 'Okay. I'll come.'

It wasn't that bad really, later on, after Charms and Bludger and hole in robe. We talked about silly things. You know, quidditch and...transfigurations and the use of moley in potions...

No, I am hiding myself from you...the discussion about moley in potion brewing was quite simply AWE-INSPIRING! A fantastic debate over Hooke's Third Theory and Seed's Conversion Theory and their reliability. And she seemed to think that Seed was in the right! I gave her a correcting earful, and I described to her the experiments I had done to disprove Seed because, you see, as I explained in 1975, when Moley reacts with lacewing, it creates a green smog, completely unlike what Seed predicted!

She said I must have done them wrong! Rightfully, I Raised An Eyebrow.

She bought some lollipops. I Raised Another Eyebrow. I dislike lollipops. They are barbaric.

She wanted to buy some butterbeer. At this, I Rolled My Eyes. She asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to play backgammon. Then She Rolled Her Eyes.

I think it is unfair to assume that every teenager has fallen in love with the silly Madame Rosemerta (who doesn't know a bloody thing about potions) and that every teenager wants a butterbeer. I despise the stuff. It's like molten sugar. I can feel it tearing my teeth apart. Evelyn likes it. But Evelyn seems to like everything except...listen to this...James Potter!

We were born to be together and have many Potter-Hating offspring. And we will live in a cottage and we will all sing the rhyme:

Oh, Potter you are stupid,

And so are Lupe and Black,

You think you are some cupid,

But really you are a sack,

With eyes,

And no brain,

And you farm geese.


	6. Saturday the Sage

Saturday the Sane

Did you know that sage is an herb as well as a very clever old person? Well it is. I had some sage today. Sage sage sage....sagedy sage...

At lunchtime my newt (Owl) went missing again. I knew it was a mistake buying him. Professer thingy-majig was very suspicious. She asked me if that 'thing' was a cat or a frog or an owl.

I said it was distantly related to a frog, called Owl and I had brought it to replace my cat which went inexplicably missing. (Potter stole it). She didn't seem satisfied. I think she has gone to complain to Dumbledore.

I did the Seed experiments again to make sure I did not do them wrong. I know I didn't because, you see, I'm clever...but Evelyn has confused me with her arguments (which are totally and absolutely unfounded of course (and I told her so)) but, my perfectionist mind has pulled me towards the cauldron again.

I was right! In my happy state of 'I told you so', I summoned Evelyn to me. She was half asleep and angry, (it was six in the morning) but I did not care. She said 'hmmmm', and asked me how long I had spent proving her wrong. I answered three hours, she then proceeded to ask me if I had actually seen sage before. I said I had seen a sage, yes.

You see, I had been using beard hairs off Dumbledore when I was supposed to use, you know, herbs.

Turns out Hooke was right. Thankfully, Evelyn was too asleep to laugh at me thoroughly. Although she did catch up on it at lunch.

What else happened? Ball tomorrow! That's one thing. And I've decided to go with Evelyn –mi-bob after all, since I've finished all my moley experiments now.

She seemed very happy that I was coming. Absolutely delighted in fact. I had to fend her off from speaking to me in front of Malfoy, who would have skinned me alive in a sack full of porcupines if he knew. I've done an excellent job at avoiding his questions.

'Who are you taking to the ball then Snape?'

'Oh...no-one...'

'You are, aren't you?'

'Why do you say that?'

'Because you haven't set up your special board and you haven't stolen special cake from the kitchens and you haven't invited the Bloody Baron for tomorrow night'

'Oh...I'll do it later...or, not at all, I might just...you know...read...'

'Ah...your taking Evelyn Taylor aren't you?'

'No...not at all...no...maybe...yes...'

'Thought so. Have a nice time. Hahahahahaha...'  
  
I write hahahahahaha but it actually went on for quite a bit longer.

And other people joined in.  
  
Ball and potions tomorrow.  
  
I might even get to hold her hand! Tee hee!


	7. Sunday the Poo

  
  
Sunday the Silly  
  
I hate James Potter. Do you know how much I hate him? This much:  
  
( --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------) 

He messed up my hair with one of his amateur hexes which I could have fended off if I wasn't such a gentleman. He then proceeded to turn my robes pink, then see-through, and then into a mini-skirt and leather jacket ensemble.

It was all because he was bitter that Lilly turned him down and went with Tom Ravenclaw, you know, webbed ears, no brain...

I had a date, and he didn't. I would have wallowed in this pleasantness further, if I had not been wearing a beaver at that point.

But then, you see, something actually terrible happened.

Evelyn Taylor appeared, hanging on the arm of Lee Hufflepuff. (You know, ferret owner, amazing nasal hair...)

I strode up to them and said in low, manly tones: 'Excuse me, but I think we have an engagement' or something equally nineteenth century.

She fiddled with her fingers and Lee looked at me for a while disbelievingly. Obviously couldn't get over the fact that I was so handsome.

'You see, Severus...it's like this...um...' Evelyn seemed to be more interested in her feet.

'Yes?'

'Well...Sirius...Sirius Black, you know...'

'Yes?'

'He said that...well...if I were to...you know...go with you to the ball and everything...'

'Yes?'

'Well...he said that you'd insulted Lilly again...and that you'd done something terrible to Remus!' She looked at me, as if I would suddenly tell her that, yes, I was a mass-murderer and, yes, it was all right to be extra horrible to me.

'He said that if...well...I shouldn't be telling you what actually...well...you see, I feel a little guilty...that's why I'm telling you...instead of just...you know...dumping you.'

'Dumping me? DUMPING ME? YOU'RE THE DESPERATE WRETCH THAT ASKED ME TO THIS THING IN THE FIRST PLACE!'

Lee was still staring at me with a slightly open mouth. As you may have noticed, I was beginning to loose my temper.

'Yes...well...it was revenge...you know...an eye for an eye...'

'So you were sent to break my heart?'

'Um...'

'To seduce me, since of course, you are the bloody femme-fatale of Hogwarts aren't you Evelyn? Oh, I feel so betrayed!' I said, sarcastically obviously. 'You would think I'd have enough to deal with, with those utter twits than to have you making my life difficult as well. Don't you think they can take care of themselves? Look! I'm wearing a toilet-seat and my hair is in the shape of the Eiffel Tower!' which, at last I realised, was what Lee Hufflepuff found so unbelievable.

Sirius Black began to laugh when he realised I had found out. 'You're PATHETIC!' I screamed. 'I'm pathetic?' He answered, and I left.

I left. I didn't get to try the punch, play chess with the Bloody Baron, hold hands...anything! All I received was a new hairstyle à la Potter.

Oh Poo


End file.
